Tonight my feelings finally bubbled over. It has been almost two months and I have been hiding my feelings pretty well, I think. I have been living in my parent’s house for the summer while I work as an intern in the city. I am living out of a bag in the guest room away from my friends and more importantly my girlfriend.
Today I came home to all my stuff pilled up because some family friends are coming to town tomorrow for the weekend and I will be demoted to the office and the fold out bed (which coincidentally is my old room). I only lived in the house for 3 years before moving out to attend college and never really called it home. It was just where I lived.
I think what upsets me is that I am far away from everything and everybody that makes me feel comfortable and at peace and the few things I brought with me made it so I could have a little space that is my own that reminded me of this, but having that space rummaged through just reminded me of everything I am missing. It finally got to me and it feels awful.
BART and the office I work in feels more like home then where I sleep at night. Most nights I can’t get more than a few hours of sleep because I feel so alone and stranded. The little sleep I get is from pure exhaustion.
I can’t get away. Every place I have gone in the past few months was never mine. I haven’t occupied a space that I could call my own in over two months.
While staying at my parent’s I have so little control it makes me feel like I am 16 again and not 23. I don’t know how some people do it because I feel myself going mad inside. I have found myself working later just so I don’t have to be at the house. Which while may be good for my productivity it is not sustainable.
I am scared that after years of moving around and being uprooted I might never find myself comfortable enough to call a place home. I am just stuck constantly moving year after year. I have gotten to the point that when I buy things one of my first thoughts is whether or not I can take this with me when I inevitably move.
It is literally making me shake writing this down.
I can’t type anymore.